Gulping down a juicy burger, fries with secret sauce and finishing it off with a thick, chocolate shake. Not only surviving that experience, but going for a run afterward, like it never happened. That’s what I thought I missed the most about youth. Until the day it happened.

It seemed like I’d developed an allergy to my clothing. There was always a sense of irritation in one area. When there was no way to ignore it any longer, I discovered the horrifying truth. All of my years of exercise, trying to ward off the signs of aging meant nothing.  The problem wasn’t allergens, it was drooping skin.

When we were in our teens, we never thought our skin would betray us. Summers, after all, were for tanning. A stylish bikini top and a bottle of baby oil were all we needed in those days to achieve an hour of zen. In today’s terms, it would be the equivalent of slathering ourselves with olive oil and jumping in a convection oven.

Tan lines were a sign of status. If you had the time (of course you did) and could find a pool or lake, those lines meant you were someone who wanted to look healthy. If you didn’t bother to leave a strap in place, you hadn’t thought about how it might look to your friends when they were looking to compliment you. No line? Bronze must be your year-round tone and you didn’t even try.

There were those few, cautious individuals who covered their faces while they tanned. Using a t-shirt from the latest concert attended was the only acceptable form of coverage. But quite frankly, the resulting stark contrasts between face and body tone seemed rather contradictory to the goal of being the most bronzed individual of the summer.

Baby oil has been replaced with sun screen and lubricating, anti-aging, black magic moisturizers. We’ve been assured through countless commercials of the firming capability of these products. If you watch these advertisements, it seems all the sins of youth can be washed away.

There are no instructions on these containers for arm- saggage use. Maybe I’m buying the wrong kind. Does it need to contain a special ingredient? De-Sagg –Arm De-Drooping Cream – now with 50% more herbfromsomewhereexotic.

There are still people my age who choose to tan. While the image I have of myself tanning in current, non-pliable skin stage is that of “apricot fruit leather,” each to her own.  My tanning days are over. Goodbye burgers and ridiculous runs. I’ll continue to embrace my misshapen, overly pale skin. Along with those scars comes the wonderful wisdom of age.