There is an unwritten rule in the world of non-aging: never address the elephant in the room. Things work so much better when we all pretend we are the same age. That is why so many of us remember that first, monumental moment. It was at the makeup counter, grocery store or the worst possible location: when you were trying on clothes.
You walk in the door of your local department store, just like any other day, thinking you are still a “Miss.” You go over and peruse the same racks you always do, maybe finding a pleasant surprise when you discover that they added lycra to your favorite brand and you’ve suddenly become a size smaller. Happy to pay the extra ten dollars, because it’s a size smaller, for Pete’s sake, you walk up to the counter and offer your credit card.
“That’ll be $49.50. MA’AM.” It’s not the fact that you just paid that much for a t-shirt that already has a pinhole and a questionable stain that really gets you. Because it’s a size smaller than you normally wear and there is no logic attached to this type of purchase. It’s the fact that someone has acknowledged, publicly, that you are no longer under 25. How. Dare. They. Your previously soaring spirit hits the floor with a thud.
You will have to find a way to leave this place unnoticed, in case someone else heard and catches on that you are, in fact, past the “Miss” age and have entered into the matronly phase of “Ma’am” without so much as a kindly pat on the head.
After you slink out to your car (thankfully unseen by other MA’AM- producing contacts) you swallow your pride and realize it might work out. There are some advantages to leaving Misshood. Aren’t there?
- There is no reason for someone to ask for identification in a bar. A MA’AM has clearly passed the age of illegally swilling a Drunken Elf or a Dances with Wenches. She also orders a second Sex on the Beach and Sand in the Crack with confidence.
- No such thing as pulling pants up too far when you’re a MA’AM. No waist? No problem! Keep yanking!
- MA’AM implies a certain level of intellect. Unless expressly written in a police report, it’s assumed Woman Falls to her Death While Attempting to Bake Cookies on Roof was someone who hadn’t achieved MA’AM status.
- MA ‘AM has no expectation of timely humor. You can make a joke about a deodorant only available in 1992 and feel secure in the fact that every MISS in the room will stare blankly. Don’t worry, it was hysterical.
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Pepperville is a quaint, sleepy town where nothing ever seems to change… but that’s probably because no one ever leaves. In fact, an outsider would probably think that everyone in Pepperville is just a little bit eccentric–from the policeman on his bicycle to the postal worker who will only deliver mail at night. Jenna Thompson has lived all of her 19 years in a cottage behind the Ashton Mansion.
Like everyone else in Pepperville, Jenna’s entire day is predictable–from what she will buy at the store to the footwear she will use to walk there. Then one day during a routine trip to the Shoppe & Walke, Jenna is horrified to discover that a vagrant has taken up residence in the biggest tree in town. No one knows why he is there, but the citizens of Pepperville do their best to make the glum young man as comfortable and welcome as possible. Everyone, that is, except for Jenna, who is determined to rid her town of this strange and silent squatter. Little does she know that her schemes will change the face of Pepperville forever.
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